Ever struggled to find self-love amidst pain and trauma? Join me as we journey through the inspiring life story of my friend Crystal Swass, a relationship guru, published author, and radio personality. Born to a young, drug-addicted mother, Crystal's path to redemption serves as a beacon of resilience and self-discovery. Despite her turbulent childhood and teenage mistakes, she's emerged stronger, wiser and is now using her experiences to guide others navigating their personal struggles and relationships.
Together, Crystal and I unpack the significance of self-love, reflection, and recognizing the transformative power of pain. We delve into the biblical understanding of love and how selflessness and love shape our relationships. We explore the pitfalls of unhealed women expecting men to be their healers, leading to unhealthy dynamics in relationships. Crystal opens up about her nine-week devotional planner program, Anchored Ruby, designed to encourage intentional reflection and growth. We discuss the power of journaling, tuning in to the voice of God, and using our past traumas to facilitate healing and transformation.
Sit back and prepare to be moved as Crystal takes us through her story of grace, offering insights into how understanding our identities in Christ can help us make better life decisions. With a focus on healing, self-awareness, and forgiveness, this episode is a deep dive into personal growth, identity, and faith. So, tune in and find inspiration to begin your own journey of healing, self-discovery, and transformation.
Ever struggled to find self-love amidst pain and trauma? Join me as we journey through the inspiring life story of my friend Crystal Swass, a relationship guru, published author, and radio personality. Born to a young, drug-addicted mother, Crystal's path to redemption serves as a beacon of resilience and self-discovery. Despite her turbulent childhood and teenage mistakes, she's emerged stronger, wiser and is now using her experiences to guide others navigating their personal struggles and relationships.
Together, Crystal and I unpack the significance of self-love, reflection, and recognizing the transformative power of pain. We delve into the biblical understanding of love and how selflessness and love shape our relationships. We explore the pitfalls of unhealed women expecting men to be their healers, leading to unhealthy dynamics in relationships. Crystal opens up about her nine-week devotional planner program, Anchored Ruby, designed to encourage intentional reflection and growth. We discuss the power of journaling, tuning in to the voice of God, and using our past traumas to facilitate healing and transformation.
Sit back and prepare to be moved as Crystal takes us through her story of grace, offering insights into how understanding our identities in Christ can help us make better life decisions. With a focus on healing, self-awareness, and forgiveness, this episode is a deep dive into personal growth, identity, and faith. So, tune in and find inspiration to begin your own journey of healing, self-discovery, and transformation.
Sometimes God will actually tear open a wound that you thought was healed. He'll reopen it. He'll break a bone that you thought was healed so that it heals properly. You have to learn to tune the noise out and be patient. God will stop you right in your tracks, not because he doesn't love you, but because he does love you, because you're literally destroying yourself. You can't heal what you don't acknowledge.
Aaron O'Connell:Welcome to the WHY to Fitness Podcast. I'm your host, Aaron O'Connell, and right now I am with my friend, crystal Swass for a brand new podcast episode. How are you doing today, crystal?
Crystal Swass:I'm great, I'm great.
Aaron O'Connell:Good, good to hear. So we are going to be diving into your story today, because I know it's an amazing story. I've heard a little bit of it. I'm excited to hear a little bit more of it, and then also how you help everyone out through relationships, because you're a relationships guru. That's why you're here. That's why you're here.
Crystal Swass:I hope all of TikTok heard that I am the relationship guru.
Aaron O'Connell:Maybe not the, maybe one of but, yes, you're definitely up there. You're a published author, You're on the radio waves, You're doing so much. So first of all, let's just start talking about you and your story. How did everything get started? All the way from? You can start all the way from the beginning, all the way to you know how you got to where you are and your testimony, all of that stuff.
Crystal Swass:Wow Okay.
Crystal Swass:So it's a long one because I'm old and so. So my childhood wasn't like the typical childhood. You know, I was born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, which not many people are, it seems, and my biological mom was an addict. And there was a lot of turmoil, as when I was a kid, it was my sister and I. We lived with my grandparents. My grandfather was an alcoholic at the time and my grandmother really spent time raising us. My parents had me when they were pretty young, there in their early 20s and you know I didn't.
Crystal Swass:My biological mom was here and there. She was doing drugs and getting arrested and things like that, and my dad, when I was about six or seven, had left. He left to go back to New York, and so for about a year my sister and I were with my grandparents and every day my dad would call and say that he was coming. You know, he's coming to get us, he's coming to get us, he's coming to get us. And finally, one day I had I asked my grandma if I could go outside to play and I opened the door and my dad was standing there and he had. He had come to get us. We had to like, hurry and get our stuff together and he's like we're, we're, you're how long was he gone for?
Crystal Swass:Probably about a year.
Aaron O'Connell:So about a year. You were kind of waiting for this.
Crystal Swass:Waiting, so it wasn't quite a while.
Aaron O'Connell:How old were you? I was seven. You were seven, so a year is an eternity. So you were waiting and waiting, and waiting, waiting and waiting. Which?
Crystal Swass:is. It's so cool because God showed me recently how prophetic this is Okay.
Aaron O'Connell:Okay, yeah.
Crystal Swass:So he's like he's holding, holding chocolate milk at the front door and he's telling us to get, get our stuff. We had to like hurry and get our stuff and I just remember crying because I could not find this. I should have brought it. I still have it. The teddy bear that he gave me. I was like we can't, we can't leave without gummy Right. So we gather all our stuff.
Crystal Swass:I said goodbye to my grandma and we drove across the country. We got to New York three days before my eighth birthday and we never went back. We never. I never went back to see that side of my family again. So fast forward and I talk about this in my book fast forward a couple years. He, my dad, was a single dad for a little while and then he met my step mom and we actually moved to South Florida and moved to Wellington and it was looking back in hindsight. Now I understand why everything kind of took place, why we moved here and why there were certain rules. You know we weren't allowed to check the mail or answer the phone or listen to the voicemail. What, what were they called? Not the voicemail.
Aaron O'Connell:I think it was voicemail?
Crystal Swass:No, it was like the machine. Anyway, we weren't allowed to check the messages.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah.
Crystal Swass:And I had come to find out, you know my dad won full custody of my sister and I because my, my biological mom wasn't. She didn't even show up in court but from what I understood, we were kind of like in a place of hiding because she was, she was not a safe person, you know, and we were. We were not allowed to be in touch with that side of the family. And so growing up, you know this is my normal. This might be normal for other people too, but for the most part, this growing up and not knowing your biological mom or knowing very little it, really affects your identity. Growing up, you realize that until I got into life, coaching, how much and I started, you know, coaching people on their parenting when they, you know, in divorce, how much that really affects your identity, right. And so I began calling my stepmom my mom and you know I would get in trouble as a teenager.
Crystal Swass:I'm really trying to like sum up my testimony here. But I grew up in the church. You know, in middle school we went to, I went to youth camp like many other kids. You know I grew up in the church and went to youth group on Wednesdays and so I knew the Bible and I knew biblically what was right and wrong, and but being a teenager I got into a lot of trouble you know, I was partying, I was drinking, I was sleeping around.
Crystal Swass:I ended up getting pregnant my senior year and had an abortion, and I and I've done a video on that I'm really sold.
Aaron O'Connell:We're having some technical difficulties.
Crystal Swass:Yeah. So when I, when I had my abortion my senior year, I remember coming out of the anesthesia and this is a big part of my testimony I came out of anesthesia screaming that God hated me, crying that God hated me. And it's crazy because you don't realize in the moment what might be happening. But hindsight is always the best teacher, right. I look back and I realize what the enemy, how much he lied to me in the moments that I was under anesthesia, right. And so, because I do the way that I coach is dealing with the unconscious mind, we are more spiritually attacked in our sleeper when we're unconscious because we are vulnerable. And so when I woke up and I was screaming in the arms of a nurse that God hated me, I didn't realize at that time the seed that the enemy had planted within me. That would change the course of everything. I mean, I went off the deep end.
Aaron O'Connell:Do you? Do you remember any of the lies that he was telling you, other than God hated you?
Crystal Swass:Like yeah, god would never forgive me, god would never give me children, god hated me.
Aaron O'Connell:And it's also. He was probably whispering that it's all your fault because yeah, because you chose to have that abortion. So it's not even like the situation that something was done to you. It's your fault, you chose, so you're not worthy.
Crystal Swass:Right, and I talk about this a lot, you know when, you know the story of Adam and Eve, right, everybody knows this story.
Aaron O'Connell:When they well most, for the most part well.
Crystal Swass:TikTok's gonna know the story in a minute. So you know, god created Adam and Eve in his perfect image and when Eve was deceived by the serpent and she ate of the fruit and gave it to Adam, the first thing they immediately did was hide in their shame. And that's what we do as humans. We hide in our shame, whether it's because we're abused, we're molested, we're neglected, we're abandoned. We make bad choices. When we feel that shame, we go in, we run and we hide. And I talk about this in my book about Adam and Eve hid in the orchard right and God said why are you hiding Right? And I didn't realize at the time what I was doing. After all, that shame was like a blanket on me. I started to try to hide, you know. I started sleeping around, I started to drown the demons out with drugs and partying and drinking and all it did was compound the PTSD that I had, the anxiety that I had, the depression.
Aaron O'Connell:And I love how God in that Adam and Eve story, because he did the very first counseling session in that story, because right away when they were hiding he first said where are you? And that is the first counseling session, because it wasn't like he didn't know.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he knew where they were.
Aaron O'Connell:He knew what has happened. He knew it was going to happen All those things, but he still. It wasn't about being right or wrong at that moment, or shaming them or any of that, because we have such a loving father. He just said where are you? He still cared, even though we turned our back on, you know. And what was the first thing they did? Because the next step, usually after shame and hiding, is blaming.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh it was her fault. He gave me the fruit. She gave me the fruit, and then she was like, well, it was the devil's fault. She tricked me and that's the next step. That usually happens as well.
Crystal Swass:And this happens a lot in relationships, right? So when, when you're, I mean I've been married and I know you've been married as well, and so marriages is.
Crystal Swass:I always say marriage is harder than raising kids, and I've been a single mom for a while, and so when there are issues in the relationship and that shame or that guilt starts to bubble up in our pride, we start pointing the blame right and we all struggle with pride. And the Bible says that pride comes before the fall, but the humble will be raised in the Lord's right hand. And I always talk about how weak you are in your pride and how humility makes us strong. But it's in our pride that we start pointing the blame right. It was, I mean, for a long time I pointed the blame at this person that I dated in high school that had gotten pregnant, had gotten me pregnant, and then, you know, he went off and lived his life and here I was carrying for years. I had PTSD for years on the anniversary of that date.
Crystal Swass:Actually, this past year I did a TikTok video with my testimony on the anniversary of of my abortion. It took me a long time to have God heal me of that shame and that guilt and to stop listening to the lies of the enemy and stop pointing the blame, you know. But that whole season of my life, that drug use and parting. And we and as humans, we do this. We, we don't sit with ourselves, we don't sit with God, right, we try to run. It's like a little kid who gets in trouble and runs away or points the blame and says nobody did it. My kids used to say that and used to drive me crazy who's nobody?
Aaron O'Connell:You're the only one in the room.
Crystal Swass:Right, what do you mean?
Aaron O'Connell:you didn't do it. It wasn't me. You're the only one there. It wasn't me.
Crystal Swass:Right, right, that's I mean kids. Literally show you what we do as adults right, yes, yes.
Crystal Swass:And when things really turned for me with my parting and I mean doing drugs and trying to drown out these demons I had a really bad experience. I was doing ecstasy and I couldn't. That night we were parting so hard, I couldn't wake up. I just I saw myself falling into this darkness. It was so dark and I kept telling myself wake up, crystal, wake up. And I couldn't wake up and I heard this voice that shook me to the core. For a long time I thought it was the devil, because it scared me. And this voice said if you don't stop, you're going to die and end up in hell. And I'm not saying I turned my life completely around at that moment. I mean, it's a process, but that really, that's kind of where, mind you, I was baptized at 2016. I was in the church, so, but I was not. I was not saved.
Aaron O'Connell:Yes.
Crystal Swass:You know and people need to understand that too.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, the scariest verse. I think one of the scariest verses in the Bible is right there. I think it's Matthew 731, if I'm not mistaken where it says many will say Lord, lord, and only those that actually do the will. My father will make it. But, lord, I did miracles in your name. I cast out demons. I did all these things. I went to church, I prayed, I gave. If I did, I did, I did. And he's gonna say depart from me, for I never knew you.
Aaron O'Connell:And that is a very scary because he says many and it's like great is the work, A lot of work, but the workers are few. The work is. That's scary.
Crystal Swass:Right and the work is in our deeds. You know it's that and it took me so long to figure this out. I didn't figure this out until a few years ago. It's really just having a relationship with Jesus, with God, with our father, and growing up I didn't have a relationship with my dad. My dad was there and he was a great, he did the best that he could with what he knew, but I didn't have that communion, that relationship with my dad. So I saw God the way I saw my earthly father, which many of us do. You unconsciously project that right and so when Jesus says, many will come to me saying I did this, I did that, and he says be gone, I never knew you. It's just like being in a marriage or in a relationship. How do you build that if you don't have some sort of like communication, some sort of bonding? You know it's the same thing.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah. Well, I think Paul says it great where he says hey, if I have all the deeds in the world, if I can elegantly say things, if I can serve people, I'm obviously doing my AO version of what Paul said but you could do all these right things, these gestures for your wife or your husband, do all these things, but if I don't have love, I'm nothing, because that's what it's all about.
Aaron O'Connell:Because we can say relationship with Christ, but that relationship is love. That's what relationships are. There's the different levels of love. I love you, that it's friendship. There's. You know, I love my child totally different than you can love your spouse. That it's different from loving your mother. There's so many different. But that's all love and God encompasses all of it and that's why having that relationship with God is that firm foundation for every relationship, because he is love.
Crystal Swass:Right, and I talk so much about this. I talk so much about love. I think society has skewed what love is, and if we look at 1 Corinthians, 13, 4 through 8, love is patient. Love is this has been such a long lesson for me, but love is patient. Love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it does not keep record of wrong, it does not easily offended or angered. It believes all things, hopes all things. Love never fails. But what love begins with is patience, right. So, and if nobody catches anything I say, but this on TikTok and on your podcast, love is patient. I can't even believe I'm the Lord is so funny because in the last two years, this has been my season of patience.
Crystal Swass:The fruits of the spirit, right, begin with love. Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control, right, you cannot have the fruits of the spirit without love. And what does love begin with? Patience? You cannot be kind, you cannot be good to people, you cannot be self-controlled. Imagine having patience with yourself, you know, and so having a relationship with Christ. You have to learn to tune the noise out and be patient, right, and you have to be patient with God. You have to be patient with the people that you're in relationships with, and that's what people need to understand what love is patience with your children. Patience, you know, love keeps no record of wrong. Too many people are holding onto bitterness and animosity and unforgiveness as causing them to physically be ill because of it.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah, within my coaching I actually started off well when I was doing my whole entire program that's now gonna become a book and all that stuff. I start off with love because a lot of people we throw around self-love you gotta love yourself, you gotta love yourself. But we also know in the Bible it's like well, in those days people are gonna be lovers on themselves and they say it in the wrong way, because there is the difference of love and unfortunately I highlight it that so many people only know selfish love.
Crystal Swass:They only know which isn't even love.
Aaron O'Connell:It isn't even love, but it's I will love you as long as you love me. I will do this if you do this, and it's that record of wrong there's, you know it's not patient.
Aaron O'Connell:It's all about what can I get out of it? It's selfish love, and if you selfishly self-love yourself, then you can justify anything in the world. Oh, I'm gonna just go have this bender because I love myself. I need this for my mental health. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. What is the goal? Who are you? And that's why it's so important to find your identity and what your purpose is, which we ultimately all know here on TikTok, here on this podcast, that our identity is based in Christ. We are children of God. You know we have an error to the kingdom, you know, like all that. So if we can love that person who we really are, then we can't justify all those weird things that we do.
Crystal Swass:You know what's yeah, you know what's crazy is. I grew up in the church. I knew the word. I heard the voice of God you know from. It's really interesting because I didn't realize how gifted the gifts that God gave me.
Crystal Swass:Since I was a child I have heard the voice of God, right, but it took me a very long time to know my identity in Christ and in that I learned that by well, through heartbreak, by having my heart broken, and that heartbreak led me, it threw me to the feet of Jesus, right, Because I was chasing the wrong things. I was chasing vanity, I was chasing drugs and alcohol. I was self-sabotaging because I didn't know how to love myself, and that actually stems back to not having a biological mother there, not knowing half of who I am growing up and knowing, you know, from my father's point of view, the hurt that she caused him, which caused him to out early, speak that around me, which caused me to unconsciously hate parts of myself because they were half of who she is, and those are lies from the pits of hell and I think that a lot of people need to understand that who we are in Christ, once you understand how loved you are by God and it's not. That's the thing. God doesn't love us because we give him something. He just loves us and it's hard to wrap your mind around that, you know.
Crystal Swass:And when we're going into relationships or marriage, I remember an ex-boyfriend of mine I had sent him, I remember sending him text messages to edify him and he wouldn't respond. And one time I said are you even getting these? You know, like you're not saying anything? And he said to me are you sending them for response or are you sending them because you mean the words? And it really hit me because I was like I'm not being loving, I'm like literally expecting something in return and that's not love. Are you learning something right now?
Aaron O'Connell:Well, that's just a revelation. I'm over here thinking I'm like you know, it's kind of rude for him not to be responding like that. I would want to respond some of that, but there's so much truth in that.
Crystal Swass:Right right.
Aaron O'Connell:Because, like, let's just zoom out a little bit, not just that text message, right that there's a lesson in that.
Crystal Swass:A whole lesson.
Aaron O'Connell:A lesson of like hey, are you going and buying that gift, are you watching the kids? Are you cleaning up the house for the pat on the back to make it feel like you are loving her, or are you doing it because you simply love her?
Crystal Swass:Right, so how many?
Aaron O'Connell:so right.
Crystal Swass:So Valentine's Day is a good example. Are you giving gifts because you're expected to give them and then are you getting upset if you don't get a gift. You know it should always be. Love is selfless and we're human man, so like we want to be loved in return. But this goes back to having a relationship with Christ. When you sit in that secret place and you have that communion with God, that whole in you.
Crystal Swass:Like I used to be very promiscuous and I used to sleep around all the time because I was trying to fill this God-shaped hole in my heart. It sounds cliche, but I was trying to get that love and that acceptance from men that only God could actually he's the only one that could fill that. So at this point, you know I dealt with abandonment, rejection. I've dealt with it all. You know I've been in abusive relationships I dealt with. I was raped. I have made terrible mistakes in my life and because I wasn't healing those wounds that God was revealing, I was trying to self-medicate, you know, through sex and drugs and alcohol and partying and doing these things. And then once God, I really sat with God, once I really had him rip off that bandaid.
Aaron O'Connell:What was that moment? That was that switch where you cause. Clearly you had that abortion when you were young. You had that revelation. Was that the time, would you say, that you gave your life? But then it was a struggle, but cause, you said.
Crystal Swass:Then you got into all this, all this, all this, all this yeah.
Aaron O'Connell:So you may have had the knowledge of what you had to do a little bit more at that point of the abortion, but what was that moment where it was like, okay, I actually feel like I repented, I actually started turning around. Yeah, you faltered still. Obviously, everyone does, we almost still, we still do.
Crystal Swass:Right, you know.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah, in different capacities and all that. But what was that moment when it was just like enough is enough, Like you know, or was there even one?
Crystal Swass:So it's really interesting because after my abortion, in all of that, I had started to really kind of turn my life a little bit around and started going to college. And then I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter. I still was not, I wasn't doing things the way that God wanted me to do them, and so because I had gotten pregnant, just dating somebody maybe six months, we got married. We tried to do things the right way. My daughter was actually due on the anniversary date of my abortion and the Lord. She wasn't born on that day, she was born a week early. But the Lord had me name her Makayla, Because at the time when I looked up the name Makayla, I meant gift from God. And so in that moment the Lord was, he was showing me that he was still gonna bless me, he was still gonna provide for me, he was still gonna love me, he was still gonna work on on healing me.
Crystal Swass:And then I had my son and and my marriage really started to fall apart because I was I was reacting and being triggered rather than allowing God to heal me. Right, I played a role in my marriage falling apart, and it wasn't until when my marriage started to kind of fall apart. I started seeking the Lord a little bit. Okay, you know but that that mighty turnaround didn't happen until about a few years ago, when I I was completely heartbroken, I was completely crushed. We'll let this truck pass, it's fine, hey, podcasting anywhere and everywhere.
Aaron O'Connell:Why two films, baby? We are on location guys.
Crystal Swass:In the tree trimmers have left the building. Thank God Right right. Yeah, so that mighty turnaround didn't happen until about 2020. Okay, and I had actually gotten baptized right before all of that here on this location. Again. I got baptized again after going through freedom.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah, I did the same thing.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, and then that's when it was like I don't know, like a light switch went off. Like you know, I went through a breakup and I was like, okay, I can. Either I can either keep doing things the way I'm doing, get back on dating apps and swipe, swipe, swipe and sleep brown, or you know what. Let me just like seek God. Yeah, and when I tell you I am not the same person Anybody who knew me back then and knows me now can attest to that Like I'm not the same person. I allowed God to really sanctify me and make me holy and heal me, and I'm not 100% healed. I don't think that will ever be 100% healed.
Crystal Swass:I'm taller out there, yeah, I think it's a constant journey and this is where patience, this is my season of patience. The Lord literally said Crystal, it's really, it's really funny. When I went through that breakup, the Lord said I want you to read 1 Corinthians 13, four through eight every day. So I was like really excited. I was like, all right, let me get my Bible and I read through it. I read through it. I was like, oh, I know this. The next day I read maybe four through five and I was like why don't you know this? And I put it aside. And God said to me okay, first of all, I told you to read it every day and you're literally being so impatient because you think you know what you think you know and you don't even know what I'm trying to show you. And he showed me in that moment how little patience I actually had for the process of healing and for other people and for myself, and it's just been a constant work, you know.
Aaron O'Connell:It's amazing that God uses all of our brokenness. He doesn't waste anything. You know, he uses all of our pain, he uses everything, because you can't see and appreciate the lightness without the darkness.
Crystal Swass:And you know, I say I say there it's a quote from Vanilla Sky and it says you can't enjoy this sweet without the bitter.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, and I I know, because I have people on TikTok message me and ask for prayer, and on social media on Instagram, on Facebook and they don't understand why they are in this dark place, why they're hurting, why they're rejected or abandoned, and it's like because I'm emotionally detached from it, I can see what God is doing. I have been in that pit, you know, and it's like I said earlier, hindsight is the greatest teaching tool because when you can and this is I use this in my coaching sessions, in my breakthrough sessions it's a technique that I use. But when you can start looking at things from up here like a butterfly, and you're emotionally detached from that trauma from being five years old and you know being abused or whatever, when you can look at it from up here and kind of see, all right, this had nothing to do with me. This, what is the lesson here? What is God trying to do in me? What is he trying to prune in me? What is he trying to grow in me? It is a game changer.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah, you know, the Bible says rejoice in your trials, for produces endurance. Endurance produces character and character produces the hope that we have in Jesus, you know? And then multiple other places it's saying like hey, rejoice for being persecuted, rejoice for all these things.
Crystal Swass:It's so hard, it can be so hard.
Aaron O'Connell:It's so hard, especially when you're in the moment, but that's why it is a process. It is a constant going to Christ. You know prayer. You know the more you're meditating on things, the more you're looking at things. When you get through it, you can look at it and see it, like you said, from that butterfly perspective, detached from it may. Yeah, you wish you were able to do that right away we all do but the likelihood that's happening probably really low. But you get past that and you get to see how God not only delivered you from it but has strengthened you, has now equipped you with so much more than if you would have just skated on by or everything was just peaches right, you know Right.
Crystal Swass:how many people do you know that grew up with a very privileged life and they are kind of? I mean, we live in South Florida, so there's plenty of these people here and they come from privilege.
Crystal Swass:They come from you know silver platters and silver spoons, and they drown in a cup of water, right? Because they don't know the bitter, so they can't enjoy. They don't know what it's like to triumph over anything, because it's all been given to them. And people like you and I when we, I mean I use the metaphor of working out a lot, building that strength and building your muscles, and I don't think people realize, unless you actively work out, that when you're lifting weights, your muscles are actually ripping apart in order to grow back together to make you stronger you know, and that's only if you meet it with the other side of the proper rest, the proper nutrition, because you can go break down, break down.
Aaron O'Connell:Because that's like a whole phenomenon, with the CrossFit people not getting enough nutrition, not getting enough sleep break down, break down, break down, and then your body forcefully breaks you and says stop, you have an injury.
Crystal Swass:But yeah, but that's great, but that's grace.
Aaron O'Connell:That is God literally putting the fabric of your body into things, saying, hey, you didn't stop it, you didn't have the knowledge, so now I will forcefully stop it. Maybe this is another learning time, right?
Crystal Swass:Right. So, spiritually, that's what happens. That is exactly what happens, right, we keep going, we keep going, we keep going as humans, we keep working, we keep working, we keep, you know, striving for the next thing, that next promotion, that next relationship, that next, whatever it is, we don't stop. And then boom, we're hit with COVID 2020. We're forced to sit with the Lord, you are forced to sit with him in the house of cards that people build in vain in their human strength will eventually fall. It will, whether it's through disaster, natural disaster, through divorce, through financial hardships, through sickness, through grief, whatever it is. You know God will stop you right in your tracks, not because he doesn't love you, but because he does love you, because you're literally destroying yourself. It's kind of like. It's kind of like if you saw me not eating and working out three times a day, eventually you're going to be like Crystal. I'm going to stop you Like, stop it.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, for sure For like, but I see that all the time. But that's the whole theory behind Y2 Fitness and for your followers, and again for the podcast, the Y2 Fitness, the ultimate Y is God. He is the ultimate purpose. If whatever you're doing doesn't point back to him, it's meaningless at best, at best Right, because it's in vain. And that's if everything turned out right and you made the million, you got the body, you got the girl, the boy, whatever you know. That's at best meaningless and at best usually doesn't happen.
Crystal Swass:Right.
Aaron O'Connell:It's going to usually crumble you, hurt you, distract you, whatever it may be. So God is the ultimate Y, and fitness is your ability to overcome the task at hand. And that's why you're here, because relationships, you know, are something that is the task at hand. How can I make this better? But the relationship will affect your health as well, 100%. But you have to sit there and always go back to the reason why, behind it, when you're working out or whatever it may be. If something goes off offline and you're like wait a minute, well, what's my ultimate Y? And it centers you when there's a relationship. Hey, if your ultimate purpose in your relationship is to love the person and it's not going the way you want it to go, or a screwball comes in, whatever it may be, if you are stuck in the Y of only so I feel good or so I feel which is what a lot of people why they get into really so that I feel loved, is why I'm in that relationship.
Aaron O'Connell:Well then, you're going to justify anger in this and you're, and you'll probably have blinders on and you're going to be looking at this childlike paradigm that's been produced always since you're your inner child, always from the youngest age. But if you can sit there and actually say, well, my wife, to be in this relationship is to love the person.
Crystal Swass:Right, but if you don't understand what that love is, yes you know, and in the Bible says that we are to love others as we love ourselves, right, and so it's crazy. Everything comes full circle. And when you take the time to heal now here's the thing. I went from toxic relationship to toxic relationship to toxic relationship and I pointed the blame for a long time. And I remember my ex-husband I've never told him that I said this, but somehow this is going to get to him. We were in an argument it was probably our last argument before we got divorced and he said to me you don't listen to hear me, you listen for ammo to fire back. I had so much pride and I was so wounded from things that had nothing. I mean, I was wounded by things in our relationship, but I was so I went into it, broken.
Crystal Swass:When you don't take time to heal and love yourself enough, people don't want to be alone. They jump from. They'll like overlap relationships because they're so afraid to sit and heal. And sometimes God will actually tear open a wound that you thought was healed. He'll reopen it. He'll break a bone that you thought was healed so that it heals properly. I use the metaphor of having a splinter. Sometimes we'll get splinters right and you can't see it, it'll heal over. But when you press on it, you feel it. And that's where the triggers come from in our relationships. When you start being triggered now, you think it's the other person. What they're doing, what they're not doing they're not doing the dishes, they're not taking out the trash, he's never home. All he does is watch TV. She's not making me dinner or whatever, and those really have nothing to do with the other person. We're called to love people and serve people, and I'm not saying it's easy, it's really not. But was it easy for Christ to carry the cross?
Aaron O'Connell:No, yet he still went to it for the joy in front of him.
Crystal Swass:Right, and I'm not sure that I could do that. I mean, I love people but I don't know. And so, really, when people are in relationships and in a perfect world, we would all be healed, and then we would all come together healed and we're not, and we're all broken. And this is where patience and grace comes in, when you know God and you know the forgiveness that was given to you that you did not deserve, I did not deserve. When people see me on social media or they meet me, they think I'm like this holy little. Even my kids my daughter said I dress like a nun, so you know I was like that's really rude, Dude.
Crystal Swass:you have no idea. I wrote a whole book.
Aaron O'Connell:Not who you think I am Okay.
Crystal Swass:She's 17. Yeah, her friends are probably watching right now. You know when you don't heal. See now I lost my train of thought. Blame on Mikaela. Blame game, blame game. Pride is up, forgot what I was gonna say. Yeah, no, this is where patience and grace comes in, right?
Crystal Swass:I didn't deserve to be forgiven by the holy God himself for having an abortion. I don't care what the excuse is. I don't care that I was 17 years old and my high school sweetheart was going off to college. It doesn't matter to me. That was a child. I was four months pregnant, right?
Crystal Swass:I didn't deserve the grace and the mercy and compassion and forgiveness and love that my creator gave to me and he gave it anyway, and I didn't do anything to deserve that. And so now it has taken me a long time to understand the level of forgiveness to give to other people. And when you understand, love keeps no record of wrong, and the Bible says don't let the sun go down on your anger. It's because God's mercies are new every day. You know everything. It's all biblical, and that's the problem. People are not. They're not reading their Bible. They're going to church on a Sunday, but they're not. They're literally feeding themselves sugar and expecting it to last a week when, as a nutritionist, you know you can't do that right.
Crystal Swass:And so, if you know that love keeps no record of wrong, take notes 1 Corinthians, 13, 4 through 8, change your life. If it keeps no record of wrong and the Bible says do not let the sun go down on your anger, then anything somebody does to you yesterday is left in yesterday. God's mercies are new each day, and when you can understand that I'm not saying it's easy, but your relationships will be so much more smooth. And one of the things that I've also been learning that I'm actually writing another book about this is the role of women as Adam's rib. Our ribs protect our organs right, and God made women to be the rib to protect the heart of a man, because men's hearts are so tender and I was a wife and I was a nagging wife, and so I know women know how to pierce the heart of a man. But if you learn grace and you take those grievances to the Father, he will handle that man and that relationship and all you have to do is love and forgive and keep moving forward.
Aaron O'Connell:So to back up, just to you said right in 2020 is when you really were like life has changed, because that was right around ish. Maybe mine was a little bit before then, because I knew of the Bible, grew up in the Bible. You know, it was almost like for me it was literally an Old Testament relationship to New Testament relationship.
Crystal Swass:Old Testament covenant Rules versus grace.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, old Testament was hey, Israelites, all you need to do is these things and you will be blessed. And I did the things that I knew in the Bible and I skated through life. I had more privileges, I had less problems. Any time I followed the Bible, any place of it, you know. But then, all of a sudden, there was that time which, for me, was after my wife left me, all these other things where I was in the greatest pit of my life. I tried to do everything right and everything's falling apart.
Crystal Swass:And they were dirty rags For sure.
Aaron O'Connell:And finally, there was just that difference where it was, like you said, you actually understand God's grace, his mercy, and it just overwhelmed me. And at that point is when I physically was like, okay, lord, I am yours, I want to make you the Lord of my life, and ever since that moment I could confidently say if I were to die right now, I'm going to heaven, not because of anything I did, but because I truly believe. And I truly believe and I will show you by the fruit that has been consistently growing.
Crystal Swass:Right. So it reminds me of Saul, when Saul and Paul right.
Crystal Swass:And so, for those who don't know the story, saul was a man of God and he persecuted Christians for the sake of for the glory of the kingdom. He was murdering King oh, somebody's following me. I was like, is that shut off? Saul murdered. He murdered Christians, right, and God struck him down and blinded him and then the scales fell off of his eyes. He was healed by the same Christians that he was persecuting, right, but his eyes were opened because of grace, and I think that's a problem in the church.
Crystal Swass:I really I think that the spirit of religion has fallen upon so many different people. I was actually I don't want to say I was arguing, I was debating on Facebook. Today there was a person on Facebook that had posted only real men and women of God pray over their food before they touch it and I thought, yes, we're supposed to give thanks for our food, but I will be the first to say I don't always say grace when I eat, okay, especially when you're by yourself, Right, right, I'm not, you know, but that doesn't determine whether I'm a real woman of God.
Crystal Swass:Right, you have to test the spirit of everybody. You have to test the fruit. I know somebody that he would pray over his food religiously, knew the Bible cover to cover, listened to worship music, went to church, went to Bible study and was so abusive because he did not heal and he was not. He was a Pharisee, he was like a Saul.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh yeah, well, I, I. The Bible is just as alive and relevant today, 100%. Then it was at any other point in the whole entire history of the whole entire world, and it's just now. Pharisees, sadducees are no longer the Jews which they can be, you know, they're still stuck in that area as well, but like it's just as applicable in the Christian realm.
Crystal Swass:Right.
Aaron O'Connell:We have our Pharisees and our Jews as well, but that's where I you just have to keep going back to that grace, that forgiveness, that patience, because even though my fruit is growing, people come to me and say, wow, you have changed. Even I have a small group that we meet right up upstairs every Sunday at 730, before anything, and we hold each other accountable. And just even last Sunday I had to spill the beans of like, hey, I've been screwing up.
Crystal Swass:Yeah.
Aaron O'Connell:And I just felt worthless. You know, like almost to the point where I'm like how could I be doing these things? Or when I'm a Christian you know, but here he comes in.
Aaron O'Connell:One of my buddies is like hey, I hear you, and he already, and he already said so many things to like to say, hey, how about this? This could be the issue. And like he's not negating anything, I said. But then he came in gently and said but do understand, I see major growth in you. How you screw up now is so much less than you would eight months ago.
Crystal Swass:Right, and that's really important, because I think that when I speak on grace and I speak on forgiveness, you know we tend to forget that we should give grace to ourselves and forgiveness. And don't get me wrong, it is not to be abused, to be doing terrible things. Of course not.
Aaron O'Connell:Right.
Crystal Swass:It's not an excuse, but we need to learn to love ourselves and with love comes patience and kindness and goodness and grace and all of these things right. We do not keep record of wrong for ourselves.
Aaron O'Connell:That which is hard.
Crystal Swass:It's really hard and that's the lie of the enemy, you know, and when you were in that pit and your eyes were opened, that was kind of the same for me. You know, I was, I was. There was a church that is no longer here. Before I came to Journey Church, and started doing photography.
Crystal Swass:I was doing photography at another church and I was doing photography. I was leading, I was co-leading groups, I was co-leading freedom. I was co-leading my own group based on my book. I was doing all these things and this person that I was seeing at the time he said you know, you can't earn God's like you're doing too much Like you're not. But I didn't get it. I didn't get it until 2020, when my heart was completely shattered and I was like yo, like I'm such a people pleaser Where's that coming from?
Crystal Swass:The Lord told me in my quiet time, I used to cry in my closet. I have like this little area set up in my closet which is like for the most intimate prayer, and then I have like my patio, which is for my quiet time, my journal time, and it's for me. It's not like a religious thing, but I remember the Lord telling me I'm not your dad, I'm your father and I will give you what I promised. I'm not gonna just say it, you know, and you can't earn my favor because, as a kid growing up, we have to remember, too. Our parents have their own wounds and their own traumas and their own things that they didn't heal from, which is something that I've had to learn right and have grace on. I'm a parent of two teenagers and I have messed up quite a bit and I hope one day they have grace on me realizing I was healing from my own trauma right, but I was trying so hard to earn God's like, grace and favor, because that was what I knew in my brokenness and it was like in those little tiny moments from 2020 up until this, you know today, where I recognized that's when I started listening to God, because I started sitting with God, you know, and my relationships changed. I have a much better relationship with my ex-husband now because I've bitten my tongue in half and I've taken it to God. I'm not arguing my own way or demanding my own way now, right, I'm having a lot more patience and grace and I no longer hold over his head unconsciously, the wounds that he caused. I'm not bleeding on him anymore, you know.
Crystal Swass:And so, although I grew up in the church and although I was baptized at 15 or 16 years old, it wasn't until 2019, december 7th 2019, I was baptized again, which is really interesting because December 7th was my wedding anniversary and, if you know anything about the Bible, we are the bride of Christ, and so I think it's a coincidence either. So my daughter being you know her due date on the anniversary of my abortion that was God's promise to me and then being baptized on December 7th 2019, that was. It was so prophetic. Like you are, this is your wedding day. This is you are the bride of Christ, and that's when everything changed, and you know the enemy will try to stop you from. He tried to stop us today. That was good, just so TikTok knows, having this happen right now has been a miracle, because we had look, the tree trimmers are gone.
Aaron O'Connell:The tree trimmers are gone. They're not making noise we had tree trimmers.
Crystal Swass:We had venue cancellations.
Aaron O'Connell:Everything right up until 257.
Crystal Swass:But the day that I was baptized I wasn't even gonna go.
Crystal Swass:I wasn't even gonna go up because I was like the enemy kept saying you're a baptizer already, you're a baptizer already, you can do it twice. Finally I, literally last minute I had no change of clothes or anything, just I ran up and I was the first one to be baptized during that session. I was like this is it. And everything changed in that moment, and not because of magical water, it was because the condition of my heart changed, the posture of my heart changed.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah, cause I was baptized at like seven or something like that as well. Somebody recently sent me the video and it confirmed what I had in my mind, cause we had stairs and I was in a Baptist church and I tried the white robe on and all that stuff. I walked down the stairs and go thump, thump, thump, and then they make you talk in front of the whole entire like talk to your testimony type thing.
Crystal Swass:Look how prophetic that is too you falling down.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh, yeah, but I got baptized again after my time of freedom as well, because you know that's it really meant something at that time. It was actually me saying I am different, I want you all to hold me accountable, I am in my church home, I understand it all, but it's something that's really actually different because you can do all the right things, like you were saying. You can over exert yourself doing all the right things, which isn't necessarily wrong. There's a purpose even to that Right. But it's really goes right back to like even why the whole theory behind this podcast is why are you doing it?
Crystal Swass:And if you can apply that to relationships.
Aaron O'Connell:Always.
Crystal Swass:So there was this great book that I read when my marriage was falling apart. It's called Love Dare, and I don't know who wrote it, but what was really cool about that was each day you had an assignment to do for your partner. Whether it was write them a note, give them a hug, I don't even remember. It was so many years ago. But relationships fail not all of them. Well, let me take this back. Relationships fail because of the condition of people's hearts, the posture of their hearts. Now, granted, some relationships are abusive.
Crystal Swass:Sometimes we get into relationships because we feel like that's what we're supposed to do. We feel like we're supposed to be married and we feel like we're supposed to have kids at a certain age, and we feel like we're supposed to be doing these things. And so, instead of letting the Holy Spirit lead us this is actually what happened to me. I knew that I wasn't supposed to marry my ex-husband. We were trying to do the thing. We were trying to do the thing that was right. I was gonna have a baby, and this is what. Let's do this. And the Holy Spirit told me no. But at that time, I wasn't mature enough to understand, to be led by the Holy Spirit. I was just doing the thing. The dirty rag deed that I thought would make things right and it actually compounded the problem because of the posture of my heart.
Crystal Swass:Now, if I would have waited and healed, then my commitment would have been from the heart, like your commitment to get baptized to Christ was totally different as an adult than when you were seven years old. At seven years old you're doing the thing, but when you understand you're being led by the Holy Spirit. If people would just stop rushing the process, stop rushing into relationships, allow God to heal. You, love yourself enough to take that time and sit, sit with yourself. You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. If God reveals that he wants to heal it, and it's not to hurt you, it's to better you. If you would just sit with yourself and not rush into that relationship, it'll save you so much heartache because we're going into relationships and bleeding on people from wounds that they never caused us.
Aaron O'Connell:And expecting them to be the healers of those who Right and they're merely human.
Crystal Swass:We're expecting as women. I'm not a man Shocking, I'm not and I never will be, and I don't know what it's like to be an actual man. I do know the weight, in a way, that a man carries because I'm a single mom and so the financial weight and the responsibility and all of the things I can empathize to a certain degree and sympathize. But women have put so much emphasis on men being this superhero, this Jesus, that their expectations, because their expectations are up here and you're merely a man, you're just a human being.
Crystal Swass:Women are operating in the Jezebel spirit and they are becoming abusive or nasty or overly independent because they are trying to fill that wound. They're expecting you to do it.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh yeah, and the way I almost look at it as well is when they start looking at them at this superhero level, they almost even take on more masculine energy themselves, because they're demanding this superhero man that makes this much, that does this, that does all these things, that's the only person I'm gonna settle for. That's who I need. They almost then don't get. During the times they don't have anybody, they're assuming this masculine role which then all of a sudden is almost pushing away that guy and you're only attracting more effeminate women and things start getting skewed where we kind of are in this world right now of just like men are more like women and women are more like men nowadays, and things are intertwining that way because they're looking for that super.
Aaron O'Connell:Everyone's looking for that other side of that person to heal themselves when it has to be done within first.
Crystal Swass:It's an, and I saw a meme about this. It says overly independence comes from unhealed trauma, and I mean that hits so home for me because I'm very, very independent and in this season, right back in 2020, my heart got completely broken. I realized what God had shown me. He showed me Ezekiel 13, 14. And that says I will tear down the walls that you whitewash upon right down to the foundation, and when you stand in the dust in the midst of it, you will know that I am Lord, right? So in the context of this, in the theology of that, they're talking about false prophets. But what the Lord showed me was that Not just me. We all build these walls and we all whitewash over them. Right, we all paint over them. We paint, we put a mask upon these walls that we build. We hide behind them, and what God did was he was like I'm tearing these walls down, I'm tearing them down to the foundation of who I am, and you're gonna stand in this big mess, but you are gonna know that I am God. And he tore those walls down so that he could heal that overly independence in me that was caused by childhood trauma, by being abandoned and rejected, right? And so he started working in me on healing that fear of abandonment, that fear of rejection and all of these things, and so so that I can be the woman of virtue that he created me to be, that that I think that women misunderstand.
Crystal Swass:When we are called to be the rib, we're not called to fight our man, we're not called to demand things. Ribs are actually very sensitive, right, but they have a huge job. We are called to protect our husbands, our spouses. In the spiritual realm. That's where our strength and power is supposed to be, you know. But in, in the flesh, we are to be soft and vulnerable, and for me, I couldn't. I didn't know how to be vulnerable. I was very sarcastic, I was very like don't, don't do that for me, don't, I can do it.
Aaron O'Connell:I look at it as like fertilizer for me, because, like women, they help everything grow. Right, you know, yes, you can have the man, the soil, the planter, whatever it is, whatever his job is, but women are always the fertilizer. They protect it, they can keep the bugs out, they can, you know, you know they can make it look go from just this little.
Crystal Swass:They make a house a home. They make a house a home.
Aaron O'Connell:They make a little tree a big tree you know, and it's all comparison of like how much she's walking in her effeminate energy, her God-given feminine role that is literally her birthright to be in to be this delicate, amazingly lovable, caring person that can just multiply things.
Crystal Swass:Right? Well, the reason why women society has this is what the enemy has done. Okay, it's the spirit of Jezebel that is intertwining in all of society. And if you understand who Jezebel was in the Bible, she was the, she was a queen and she operated in prophecy, but evil prophecy, Right. She killed prophets of the Lord and she was wicked in every, every sense of the word. She demanded her own way. The same in the book of Esther Queen Vashti demanded her own way and she was replaced with Queen Esther.
Crystal Swass:But the reason why Esther rose from being an orphan to queen and the reason why she was chosen wasn't because she went in there and burst into the kingdom and demanded her own way. She was actually chosen in in. She was being watched from afar. She was chosen by her grace that she didn't realize was being recognized, and society has taught us to, as women, to be these independent women and we don't need a man and put a ring on it, and I don't need you, unless you have X, Y and Z.
Crystal Swass:I actually saw my son watching a YouTube video. He's 15. He was watching a YouTube video of these podcasters, these men talking about the stress that is put on men and how you are not recognized as a man unless you have X, Y and Z. And that's not even that was created by the spirit of Jezebel Right, Because women, Jezebel wants to assert all authority, and so these women that are coming in and they're asserting all this authority within their marriage. There's not the role that you are called to play. You are called to be submissive and not, in an like it, being abused. Submissive means to take your grievances to the Lord. It means to be gentle and fragile and vulnerable, and and I'm actually just I'm learning that- Another way I like submissive is to identify with yeah.
Aaron O'Connell:You know, that's the way I like that Wording more than submissive Right I don't like the word. You know wives be submissive to your husband sounds horrible, but like wives, identify with your husband, right? Well, here's you know. Because then that means who is your husband? Right, because you are of one flesh.
Crystal Swass:Right.
Aaron O'Connell:So, when you're identifying with your husband, someone can make your life better. You're going to feel the love that you want. You're going to get. You're going to help him out. He's going to start making more money, he's going to start getting more respect in his circle, and it's just going to only benefit you.
Crystal Swass:Right, yeah, I mean it really. It really stems back to sitting with the Lord.
Aaron O'Connell:Yes it?
Crystal Swass:does it really like all of it? I mean, you know, when I was married I knew Christ. Actually, my ex-husband said you're not being very Christ-like and he didn't go to. I mean, he grew up in the church but he doesn't. He's not a believer. And looking back, no, I wasn't because I was I was like Chinese water torture. I was like that drip on his forehead like do more, be more, be better, say things. You know what I'm saying?
Aaron O'Connell:And it's like A nagging wife is like all week long.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, literally literally, he just you know, and what I found, of course, in hindsight is that didn't make him move faster, jump higher or be better. All I did was shut him down.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, and also, when you're nagging and when you have these issues, you're giving your power away. You are putting the power in his hands. Things won't change unless if he does, then you have zero power Right, other than to just nag, when really you should sit back and wait a minute. What can I control? How can I change You're regardless of whatever he does and whatever the outcome is, because I trust my father and my father has plans for the good for me, no matter what, no matter what happens.
Aaron O'Connell:If you can rest in that identity and say what do I actually have control over? Well, you have control over yourself, right? So I'm going to do the things. I'm going to submit to the Lord, I'm going to follow what the Lord is doing and if he comes and blows up on me, or she comes up and blows on me, oh whatever, it doesn't matter, because I have my identity in Christ. I'm not going to read, I'm just going to keep doing what I need to do Right.
Crystal Swass:We can't control. The only thing that we have control over is how we react and respond.
Aaron O'Connell:Yes.
Crystal Swass:And this is where the fruit of the spirit self-control comes from. But you can't have that fruit if you don't understand patience, because people who are lashing out, if you can't, if we are in a relationship and you lashed out at me and I lash out back, it's in my pride and in my arrogance and in my ego and in my wounds. You're triggering something in me Rather than me. I don't have self-control because I'm not being patient with you.
Aaron O'Connell:And then it's just a fear cycle. We'll trigger off each other's fears, right.
Crystal Swass:Whatever?
Aaron O'Connell:it may be you come in and yell at me and I thought I was doing everything right. So then I just want to get away. But now I'm going into your fear of abandonment and then it just goes back and forth yeah.
Aaron O'Connell:It just goes into circles. But that's why we need to really look at what we can handle and not put expectations on things, but understand that God's got it and that's where serendipity happens Right and then all of a sudden say I am going to be doing this not with expectations, but I trust that when I follow the Lord he's going to make everything right. And guess what? Usually, when you start changing, you allow it and all you are is a mirror and you're just loving your spouse. They usually start then all of a sudden realizing how big of a butthole they are Right. And then they start changing even though you've been like change, change, change.
Crystal Swass:You don't even have to see. I'm so glad that you said that, because I'm always saying God speaks so loud in our silence. I just did a video on this. In the video I talk about why are you arguing? And don't get me wrong, I am the queen of arguing. Okay, I used to argue everything out of my own pride. I didn't realize until I was completely heartbroken that.
Crystal Swass:I had so much pride.
Crystal Swass:I had so much pride, and to have that pride ripped down, that wall ripped down to the foundation, was so painful for me because I was so, so painful for me because imagine you have pride and then your pride's being ripped down and how painful that is Like and so, yeah, and so here's the thing when there is confrontation in a relationship, first of all, communication is so complicated anyway.
Crystal Swass:How we receive and process information is different with everybody, based on our internal traumas that we don't have healed, you know, and the enemy uses those things. Those are little seeds that keep us bound in our unconscious mind, right, and how we filter communication is based on those things. So communication is already complicated. But if you're coming at me, if I take it to God and I just say okay, and I go to God, I mean I have yelled and cried to God plenty of times God will. I'm taking myself off the battlefield and God, I tag him in. I am tagging God in and let me tell you something God can turn the heart of a person in a split second, quicker than your words can ever turn a person.
Aaron O'Connell:And I think that people misunderstand that in relationships, I also love there's little evil verses in the Bible that say like hey, revenge is mine. Like, if he is actually that horrible, this person, that God will then get revenge at the very end of things there's that. But what I like to say when there's conflict or when people are arguing is you have to remember you're on the same team.
Crystal Swass:I just said this to somebody today.
Aaron O'Connell:You're on the same football team, baseball team, hockey team, soccer team, whatever it is when that person, when your teammate, does something horrible on the team you know, steals, when he shunt of, gets tagged out, misses, strikes out, curses at the umpire, gets thrown out of the game.
Aaron O'Connell:You're still on the team you don't go up to that person and be like why are you doing? You know, because he's on your team. That's only going to make things worse. You have to look at things of like no, we're either both going to win or we both lose.
Crystal Swass:Well, and that's again. That's where self control comes from.
Aaron O'Connell:Yes, yes.
Crystal Swass:We're not. When you know the word of God. That is why it's called the you know the sword of the spirit is knowing the word, because you can slice and dice through any situation right and having that shield of faith, you are no longer bothered by the arrows of the enemy. The thing is, you know you're not going to be able to do anything. We don't realize that we are not fighting that person. Everything is spiritual. The Bible says we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against the principalities in the spiritual realm. The Bible also says that we sit in heavenly places. So if we sit in heavenly places, we are fighting in the spirit and we are looking down upon it, which is what I talked about earlier.
Crystal Swass:We got that butterfly that we were seeing before.
Aaron O'Connell:We can do that for sure.
Crystal Swass:But what it actually does is it makes you realize Satan uses people as puppets. Right, and I'm not saying every bad decision is because because of a demon, it's not. We all have free will, right. But when you recognize that even trauma is demonic in that it plays a role in how that person's reacting and responding to you and you can fight with prayer, the outcome A you're not gonna lose your peace. You might in the moment, but when you praise and worship and pray, god gives you a piece that exceeds all understanding.
Crystal Swass:It doesn't matter the turmoil you're in, god will handle that person and you're less likely to be wounded in that battle because you stepped off, you took your rightful seat in that heavenly place and then God can handle it, and that's just. I mean I learned that the hard way. I mean I went toe to toe in abusive relationship due to pride, and I'm not saying staying in an abusive relationship at all. I don't want anybody to get that idea. But when you are in a normal relationship where there's conflict and there always will be conflict, especially in marriage, and I want people to understand marriage is a covenant that God created. That's beautiful, it reflects Christ in the church, and so the enemy is gonna do everything and anything he can to tear it apart and come between you. But when you know how to fight as a woman I can't speak for a man, but as a woman when you take yourself into the place of prayer and into the quiet place and you can pray for your husband, it's a game changer.
Aaron O'Connell:That reminds me of the movie of the war room.
Crystal Swass:That's exactly it. That's exactly it.
Aaron O'Connell:How the man was about to cheat and all this other stuff, and he was just praying and all of a sudden boom. You know, god worked yeah.
Crystal Swass:I mean, that's real life. I have seen the power of prayer, the miracles that God has shown me. Because of my obedience and prayer I've had friends say to me maybe, like I could never do it, you're really patient. I thank you. I have worked really hard to get this fruit of patience, but now I'm starting to see the harvest of those seeds that were planted. You know, and you're never gonna see the harvest if you don't plant the seed.
Aaron O'Connell:Yeah, and that's a perfect segue to now shift gears just a little bit and start talking about what you do for clients, like, what is it that you do that's different than everyone else? What is it that you'd say hey, this is how I help people. Who is it that you help?
Crystal Swass:Yeah, so I'm certified as a master practitioner in neuro-linguistics programming fancy term for unconscious mind ninjas. What I always say Our traumas are locked in our unconscious mind. And my specialty, what I love, is doing breakthrough sessions, and breakthrough sessions can be anywhere between three to six hours. Right, and it's not like a therapy session.
Aaron O'Connell:Is it a one-time session type thing?
Crystal Swass:Breakthrough sessions are typically one time sometimes it can be more Right.
Crystal Swass:I really liked it's really about the client and what they're willing to acknowledge and address. You know, in the Bible Jesus would ask people if they wanted to be healed. I as a life coach and you as a trainer, we can lead the horse to water. We can't make them drink. And so, as much as a person wants to be healed, I will help them heal through my breakthrough sessions, the breakthrough sessions we deal.
Crystal Swass:It begins with me educating people on the unconscious mind and how that is really your spirit in our conscious mind is our flesh, and how the two work together. And how you understand and comprehend communication and how traumas get locked in the unconscious mind when you understand that. And then, on a spiritual level, how the enemy keeps you bound. You know the Bible. I don't know if this isn't the Bible, but people will say just focus on Jesus. Right, I can sit at this table and Jesus can be right there and I can focus on him, focus on him, focus on him. But if I'm tied to molestation and abuse and abandonment, I can't get to Jesus. I can focus on him, but I cannot run to him until I turn around and decide I'm cutting that cord, I'm cutting that soul time, breaking that chain. That's where chain breaking comes from, right. And so that's what I do in my sessions. In the butterfly effect, we break those chains, those things that happened in childhood, from conception all the way up to age seven or eight.
Crystal Swass:And then you know, with my life coaching sessions I really I coach men and women. The majority of the time it's women, but it's just teaching them how to we move in habit right. It's habitual behavior, and when you can start to have an attitude of gratitude and be proud of who you are and you start feeding yourself the word of God, your whole habits of how you react and respond, change. And I don't always coach Christians. I have coached plenty of people that don't even know Christ. But it's all the same principle, right, everything is. Even Christians need to make it a habit to sit in journal every day, to sit in the word of God every day. Many people don't, and so I created a nine week devotional planner program.
Aaron O'Connell:I don't know what you wanna call it.
Crystal Swass:I have a book that really gets people sitting every single day and being intentional. What is my goal for this week? What is my goal for today? How many glasses of water did I drink? How much exercise? Did I take 30 minutes to exercise? Did I take 15 minutes to write a list of things I'm grateful for? It's all about getting out of that negative cycle and breaking those chains that the enemy has kept you bound and understanding that you can be free. You know you're not gonna be perfect and you're not gonna be 100% healed until so that show that book right now, at least for your TikTok, what's it called?
Crystal Swass:So this is my. It's called the Anchored Ruby. It's a nine week devotional planner and it helps you to be anchored in purpose, promise and prosperity, and it really every day here. I'll show them. I don't know if you can see it it's on Amazon. Okay, get it on Amazon. Yeah, so every day you write your week's goal, the things that you're grateful for, things you're proud of yourself, for your tax. It just really keeps you intentional.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh, and it also has like a note notepad.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, so on the opposite page you choose a daily scripture or a devotional page or whatever it might be. You have to be intentional and you journal. People don't understand the power in journaling.
Aaron O'Connell:Oh, it's huge. It's huge Right.
Crystal Swass:Habakkuk 2.2 says write the vision down and I will make it clear. Right. So there are times where I don't write my goals down. I'm human. But what I've learned? I've learned to hear the voice of God through journaling. I've written my prayers down where it's started out just like this with what am I grateful for today? Right, and changing that heart posture. Right, you could be. Let's go back to relationships. You can be in a terrible relationship and you're so angry. You went to bed angry and you woke up angry because he didn't fold the laundry. But what are you grateful for? Let's be grateful that he's alive and you have a spouse. Right, and it starts changing the posture of your heart and the more you start to journal, the more God will start to speak to you.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, yeah, and it says meditate on my word. Well, what meditation journaling. That all goes into things. But also I look at it as it's a mirror. Yeah, of course, and I forgot the scripture that says like it's like you're looking at a mirror and right when you walk away, you forget that you look like Right.
Crystal Swass:So that's why I have people journal. You know, since probably 2019, there have been so many times that I have written down words that the Lord has spoken to me in my quiet time and I could be going through a hard time today and the Lord will say March 7th 2020, okay, and I'll open to March 7th 2020 in my box of journals and there will be a scripture or a word that the Lord spoke to me back then that he knew I would need in that moment, right now, and we forget. We forget the promises that God made us that he had come to pass. You know, the Lord told me back in 20, I believe it was 2020, he said to me and it was a few months before it actually happened he said Crystal, I will make you a voice to speak to the nations. I don't even talk like that. I don't speak like well, I'll make you the voice of the nations. Like why would I say that? I'm like what does that even mean? I wrote it down in the spirit. I didn't even know what it meant. I went back and it says I will make you a voice to the nations and you will lead many back to me. And I was like, what does that mean?
Crystal Swass:And a few months later I was given my radio show, which airs globally. And if you go on my TikTok, my TikTok has blown up since November. In November I started with 300 followers and now we have I have almost 17,000 followers, not because of my own, this is not me, this is God, from all over the world. The Lord told me I will make you a voice of the nations and you will speak truth and grace. You will be known for your face and your grace and you will bring many back to me. And he spoke that before I was ever even on TikTok, before I ever even had a radio show. And here we are. But I would have forgotten those words had I not journaled them, ryan. That's why we have to go back and read the word over and over and over and over again, and also we're our own worst critics.
Aaron O'Connell:We also don't remember. Like, can you remember what you did two weeks ago?
Crystal Swass:I can't remember what I did half an hour ago. That's what I'm saying.
Aaron O'Connell:Other than oh, I was on vacation two weeks ago. When you have the big life events, you can remember those things, but it's so easy to forget or not be able to see how far we've come, how much we've grown, how much less we're struggling.
Crystal Swass:Because we're with ourself every day.
Aaron O'Connell:We're with you and we have our thoughts that are up and down. Up and down. We got the devil putting thoughts in there, we got other people putting thoughts in there, you got your own thoughts in there, you got your own situations and it's just so much information. Once I'd going into that journal it's like, okay, I can actually look back three months ago, figure out what I was looking like, what I was going through, what I was eating, how much.
Crystal Swass:I struggled.
Aaron O'Connell:If you're writing feelings, whatever you're putting in there and whatever you measure, usually gets better.
Crystal Swass:Right, right, it's true, especially with working out. Oh yeah, and I have told people so many times it's like this goes back to loving yourself and having patience. You have to be patient with yourself to sit I journal in the morning. If I don't start my morning with God, my whole day is chaos. I didn't get my quiet time very much this morning and so I was like riddled with anxiety. But when you spend that time, when you love yourself enough and you spend that time with God, that is a seed you're planting and that fruit is. You're gonna bear the harvest of that. And not only that, but you're gonna be able to look back and be like, I mean, look at what I went through, you can get through it, and that's the thing too.
Crystal Swass:I tell my story. I tell my story and I have no shame in it, because we all have a story and the enemy wants to keep us quiet. He wants to keep us hidden in the orchard in our shame, with our masks on pretending everything's perfect on social media. How many people are wearing masks on social media, flaunting their Mercedes or their hot bodies or their money or whatever it might be, their relationship, and behind the scenes they're falling apart. We all have a story and we're all to tell that story, not for our glory, but for God's glory, so we can help the people behind us. And if we don't write these things down, you're gonna forget. You're gonna forget what God brought you through. He wants you to speak those things he actually wants you to heal.
Aaron O'Connell:Yes, he does.
Crystal Swass:I don't think people realize that because we're very comfortable in our chaos.
Aaron O'Connell:And you have your own story as well written down, correct?
Crystal Swass:Yeah, so I wrote my story. The Truth About Lemonade Turning Bitter Challenges Into Sweet Rewards and it's really the metaphor behind it is when life hands you lemons, make lemonade right, but you can't. There's a whole recipe in there, a whole process that starts with seeds. Seeds are planted within us, whether it's the mistakes that we make or the mistakes of other people. Things are generational abuses, generational addictions, generational health issues are generational. These are spiritual things that when you wanna break those generational curses, you need to know where the seeds are, growing roots so you can rip the roots out, right, but some of those roots grow into lemon trees. And then here's the lemons making you bitter, right, but with God and this is the metaphor I use in my story with God he turns those lemons into something sweet that quenches the thirst of other people when they drink of that lemonade. You know, and so it's just. This is just my story of what God has done.
Aaron O'Connell:That's called the Truth About Lemonade by Crystal Swass, and you can find it on Amazon.
Crystal Swass:On Amazon.
Aaron O'Connell:both books are on Amazon, excellent and I actually have one more question about your coaching, just so it can be cleared up for our listeners, for TikTok, all that stuff you were talking about, how you do it, what you're doing, what are some common issues, problems that people are coming to you with that you are helping them get through?
Crystal Swass:You know, it's really interesting because typically people come to me when they hit rock bottom because of a divorce or a relationship breaking up.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, most people think they got it, until they realize they don't.
Crystal Swass:Right, right, right, right. So when that I mean heartbreak is really where God does his most work, right that's. I just got this vision of a heart being broken apart but seeds being planted within it, right? And so typically people come to me like one of my clients. He's a professional boxer and he was going through a terrible breakup, but the breakup wasn't I mean. He thought that he was coming to me to be better, to get his relationship back right. He didn't realize how deep the wounds were running until we really dove into them and he was so willing to heal. So initially people come to me because of these broken relationships, because they want, right, they want that relationship back. But what is ultimately happening is we're healing, we're pulling out the roots, we're getting to the root of the fruit and that client actually ended up mending that relationship and it's great now because he's not going in wounded right.
Crystal Swass:So, yeah, typically people come to me with these catastrophic breakups or heartaches, or maybe it's a financial disaster, and I have this chart that I use when I'm not interviewing. But it's the wheel of life, it's all these different areas in our life that we try to focus on. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, I do, yeah. So the wheel of life. But what people will go to the gym to try to heal how many times in a breakup? Then that's the first place I would go.
Aaron O'Connell:I have been. The most people are there to not be something or to not feel a certain way, and if you know you can't have negative goals, so to not feel a certain way, to not be something, you have to be something you have to be that something in order for the goal to make sense.
Crystal Swass:Well, and here's why this is a fun fact that your unconscious mind doesn't process negatives. Yeah, oh, you get it Exactly.
Aaron O'Connell:So like if you're like I'm going to the gym to not be fat, you have to be fat in order to even go to the gym.
Crystal Swass:Right, right right.
Aaron O'Connell:So your body won't even let you get thin. But if you can just reframe it and say I'm going there to get healthier, to get thin, the focus is on thin, not not being fat or a lot of people are, I'm getting a certain weight of not to feel like I'm enough. Why? Because the real is because I don't feel like I'm enough. So you're working out or going and getting the new relationship. Because you don't feel enough. Well, here's the thing You're never going to feel enough, then because the whole reason you're doing the thing or the relationship in the first place is because you don't feel enough.
Aaron O'Connell:Now, if you can go and be like no, I feel enough and now.
Crystal Swass:I'm full, right, so then it's just an added thing, right? I always say the divorced diet is the best diet, because you're literally like, instead of dealing with the trauma, instead of dealing with what caused that moment in your life, I think the problem is that people don't want to be introspective. When you I won't even life coach a person that is making excuses. You are either in cause or you are in effect. If you are somebody, that is, woe is me. You're the victim all of the time and you are not willing to put your pride down and analyze yourself, be introspective and be like you know what I need to do better.
Crystal Swass:I won't even coach you. I won't even do a breakthrough session with you. I won't do a coaching session with you because we're gonna go in circles and get nowhere. You're gonna debate me and the thing is my sessions I typically try to keep as much emotion out of it, because it's easy to sink in emotion, right, but it is. Sometimes. We've gotta rip the bandaid off, you know. So, yeah, for the most part, people come to me because of a broken heart, and I think that's really where God does his most work is in a broken heart.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, you've learned so much. You've had your heart broken. You've probably broken hearts. I'm sure I have. I'm sure. I have sorry, but God uses, that you know your troubles, to then be able to help others, because then that's the only way you can actually be like. I understand you, I feel you, I get you.
Crystal Swass:Empathy is big, it's a big deal.
Aaron O'Connell:I wanna learn from marriage people to people that have never been divorced and been together since they were 17,. Great, but if I am about to go through a divorce or just went through the divorce, I don't wanna hear it from you?
Crystal Swass:No, I don't wanna hear If you haven't been divorced. Yeah, you don't know what I'm going through.
Aaron O'Connell:Now, if you said I've been through divorces and now I've been married for 27 years, whoa, I wanna hear you, because you learned, you showed that you've been through it. You were screwing up. You realized that it wasn't just them, it's also you, and now you have learned from it. It's just we happen to hit the match made and have it.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, it goes back to not understanding. You can't appreciate the sweet if you never taste the bitter. Exactly, yeah, exactly.
Aaron O'Connell:Well, we could probably sit here and talk about relationships for a while. I'll probably have you back on the podcast, but let my listeners know, let your TikTok know where can they find you? How can they find you?
Crystal Swass:I mean, you can find me everywhere. You can find me on TikTok, at at Crystal Swass S-W-A-S-S. You can find me on Instagram same handle. Facebook, same handle my books.
Aaron O'Connell:And that's Crystal with a C. Thank you, not a K.
Crystal Swass:Never with a K, never with an H or an I or however else Starbucks wants to spell it.
Aaron O'Connell:Hey, my name's Aaron and I always get E-R-I-N.
Crystal Swass:It's like yo, I'm a dude. Well, you gotta say A-A, run. That's why.
Aaron O'Connell:And I, yes, but Okay, I don't go to Starbucks. But if I do, that's what happens.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Aaron O'Connell:But at Crystal with a C swass S-W-A-S-S. That is Instagram, that's.
Crystal Swass:Facebook TikTok my website crystalswasscom. Keeping it easy. When I get married, I don't know what's gonna happen.
Aaron O'Connell:It's gonna be crystalswasscom. Well, you might just have to be that person that says Crystal Swass, hyphen, hyphen.
Crystal Swass:Yeah, I also have two middle names with the hyphen, so it's gonna be wild, it's gonna be crazy.
Aaron O'Connell:That's all right. God will give you the man that has enough security that he'll be cool, it's just you can go by both. It's totally cool. Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast. You know it was a pleasure and, like I said, we'll most likely be doing this again.